Cashier: That will be $82.07. Me: I'd like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this. Cashier: That will be $82.03.
me: show me how much you love me him: this much [makes a zero with his thumb and index finger] me: what is that, an atom? him: yes, what do you think an atom means? me: it’s everything - me being optimistic at last
This day can butter my biscuit, slap my ass, stick a fork up it, wait, what?! All I'm saying is that today has done everything else to me. Why not finish it off. I'm just done.
It would have been impossible for them to work. Her heart was still in the rodeo arena, and his heart was still left on the wrestling mat.
It’s my birthday. A whole ‘nother year alive. I’m killing this living thing.
True friends know that you can't pour from an empty cup, time to recharge yourself is needed.
Sweater vests, because 87% of my shirts have a food stain that I can't get out.
I could've gotten a PhD but the bars don't close until 4am where I live
In this crazy world there’s no such thing as a small kindness…
My coworker’s girlfriend’s name is Kat so I told him to tell her I said pspspspsps
I just ate 18 jalapenos and 5 gallons of water so if ur looking for someone who makes smart decisions im ur girl oh, and then i touched my face. just wracking up the IQ points here
Finally eating dinner...i promised I’ll I#put the dresser table and bookcase (from last year) together by Friday...never doing this again ever I swear
I am only 18 minutes into my shift & im ready to clock out. Universe, help me! I need a better job.
Women are like crock pots and men are like microwaves. Think about it.....
My words have meaning beyond the spoken word; the connotations and denotations mean something.
Kids I want you to meet your new stepfatherpic.twitter.com/WvQE0xvdyq
Not to brag, but I earned back my shoelaces and sharp objects from my therapist.